Wanna know why? It’s because of these, the Cookies of Doom:
I think that spritz cookies were invented by a particularly diabolical alien race to keep us busy and frustrated while they secretly take over the government. Because I don’t think real, actual human beings can make these. They defy the laws of physics. And yet they are so cute that I always want to make them. The little wreaths! The sparkly flowers! A pox on those aliens!
Granted, the culinary episode I just experienced involved a cookie press held together with Duct Tape, but this isn’t a solitary incident: every single stinkin’ time I’ve tried to make these kind of cookies, it JUST DOESN’T WORK.
How do you get the darn dough to stick to the pan?
Don’t say and ungreased sheet don’t say an ungreased sheet don’t say it . . .
Because if you do use an ungreased cookie sheet, then you will need a jackhammer later on to get the darn things OFF the pan, leading to
1. Much noise and profanity in the kitchen, which is hardly befitting of a home with young, innocent children
2. Cookies that more closely resemble shrapnel and/or a pile of chicken feed than some delightful holiday sweet.
So, enough! This is my last, very very last attempt to make spritz cookies. CURSE YOU, foul calorie-laden packets of saccharine impunity! I condemn thee to the Hall of Epicurian Horrors!